


How exactly do I run from this (crazy sensation)

by extranuts



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU, Cheating, Don't Judge Me, F/F, Infidelity, Kate is a plot device, M/M, Multi, and no one is happy for a very long time, angsty shit, this author does not condone affairs in any shape or form, where everyone is a bit of an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-22 22:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extranuts/pseuds/extranuts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles first set eyes on Derek when he was eighteen, and fresh out of Beacon Hills. He’s riding on the high of graduation, lacrosse wins, very, very good results, and actually getting accepted into the university he’d wanted.</p><p>After that, Stiles is completely screwed (figuratively at first, because everything else seems to melt away when Derek is around, and then afterwards very literally indeed).</p><p>AU, in which Derek Hale is a married man, and Stiles falls very hard, very easy. Everyone is a self-centered, grade-A arse for a bit, and then things go to shit, and this story takes off from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've pretty much fallen off track as far as Teen Wolf is concerned, but I came across this while clearing out some folders and thought I should clean it up and post it.

 

Stiles first set eyes on Derek when he was eighteen, and fresh out of Beacon Hills. He’s riding on the high of graduation, lacrosse wins, very, very good results, and actually getting accepted into the university he’d wanted.

Life was _great._

He makes it through about three days of positivity and optimism until his next-door neighbor Kate and her silent, broody husband show up on his doorstep with cherry pie. 

After that, Stiles is completely screwed (figuratively at first, because everything else seems to melt away when Derek is around, and then afterwards very literally indeed).

Stiles doesn’t even like cherry pie.

 

-

_This is our little secret_ , Derek had said, and what he really meant by that was: you are _my_ dirty little secret.  

Because Stiles is both an idiot _and_ a full-blown romantic, he actually believed the whole secret thing for four whole months. Four perfect months of complete and utter hope for a perfect future. 

When they tripped over Derek’s couch onto the floor that seventh time, Stiles fancied a connection – electricity- that bound them together, that sparked passion far beyond the control of wives and conscience.

Derek was going to leave Kate, going to sweep Stiles away to a foreign country where they would grow old together and share kisses over coffee and curly fries. They would cuddle, maybe get married, have matching tattoos done, and spend evenings lounging by their fireplace eating nice things.

Derek never even let him on the bed; Stiles realizes, two years in and deep enough that he can’t (and doesn’t want to) claw his way out. 

He also realizes, eventually, that Derek really, really, likes his wife.

They share little, unnecessary, cutesy kisses over Kate’s flowers and spend lazy afternoons grilling burgers and re-decorating rooms. Stiles knows this because he lives next door, with a conveniently placed bedroom window that allows a great view of the Hale’s _open-concept_ living space.

They don’t really have sex though. Stiles knows this part because Derek lets it slip a couple times. Kate has some issues, apparently, that need sorting out, and so he’s Derek’s sex-thingy.

It should be humiliating, but is _isn’t_ because, of course –and this is the worst bit- Stiles is totally in mad, reckless, passionate love with Derek _fucking_ Hale.

 Stiles tries not to think too much about that, though, because why admit to damaging, screwed up pseudo-relations with his hot, older neighbor when he can live blissfully in denial and mind blowing sex, possibly forever. 

Except its not really blissful; Stiles is, sadly, just a tad bit too self-aware for denial, and, because Stiles isn’t allowed nice things, Derek is fucking _moving_ to France. France. With Kate, who is gorgeous and sweet and lovely, and who really doesn’t deserve this whole sex-behind-her-back thing. Although the sex really _is_ disgustingly mind blowing.  

It is, indeed, the only constant in the five years since their torrid little affair started. Stiles is almost positive that he isn’t just dreaming up the perfect intensity their fucking produces. It has to be the main reason why Derek hadn’t dropped him like a hot potato after the first few times.

At first, he’d thought that maybe it was special enough that Derek would want him, for him and someday see that Stiles could be something more.

 He was wrong.

Derek told him this, to his face, during one of the three incredibly awkward conversations they’ve had about this infidelity issue. It should be a deterrent, except it isn’t.  Because Stiles is a clearly a masochist, he just wishes harder and holds out, falling a little deeper every time.

Derek makes it easy.

Stiles falls in love with the crease in Derek’s forehead, the gentle hands, and the quirk of a brow. He falls in love with Derek’s deadpan humor, and his love of minty candy.  He falls in love with Derek’s determination and courage (the Hale mass murders that nobody ever mentions but has heard about in _confidence_ from a source close to the family).

Stiles falls for the way Derek is brutally honest and brutally caring. He falls for the press of a body against his chest, and the hot whispers of breath against his ear. Stiles never stood a chance in hell.

This is where the biggest problem lies: Stiles is not essentially a bad person, but he is unable to stop sleeping with and desperately pining over his married neighbor.

Once, Stiles saw Kate turn a hungry little kitten away from her front door. He has consequently used this as justification for sexy times with her husband. Because who shoos away hungry kittens, seriously. 

But then, the problem remains that Stiles is now, of course, a Bad Person. He is a bad person who can maybe regain good person status by ending the affair and moving far, far away. And the big stumbling block then, is that Stiles has been unable to tear himself away form the destructive enigma that is Derek Hale and really doesn’t see himself being able to. Ever.

This problem moves in with Stiles, settles in his room and haunts him like a curse. For the most part, Stiles is able to ignore it, go about his life and make his horrible life choices like any other young man fresh out of university. 

Other times, though it weighs him down, hammering into his brain. It hurts suspiciously like how a heart hurts as its slowly wrung out and twisted back with sharp, burning nails. 

 

-

So, France.

Derek tells Stiles just before he goes down on him, which is just  plain unfair. It doesn’t quite kill the arousal, but Stiles’ little world of _DerekDerekDerekDerek_ maybe collapses a bit.

Derek is excited; so fucking excited about the move, but he doesn’t expect Stiles to be. He’s gentler during sex that night, keeping Stiles held between his arms and pretending not to notice when Stiles chokes up. It’s wonderful and horrible at the same time; because it’s so painfully clear that Derek cares for Stiles, but not really _enough_. 

Stiles thinks it’s rather justifiable though, his being _quite_ upset.  Derek has basically been his entire love-life (Derek doesn’t necessarily know this), and that he’s just _leaving_ means that Stiles is back to nothing, to nobody.  Along with waves of relief that maybe his problem will hurt less with time comes big tsunami-scale crashes of fear and heartbreak (and that’s totally what it is, Stiles acknowledges in a rare burst of honesty).

Derek is leaving, and Stiles will be left alone. Not physically alone, maybe. He’ll have his friends, and his Dad, and his job. But when he looks out of his window he’ll see an empty house. After early work days on Thursday he’ll slip discreetly into his room and proceed to _not_ have sweaty, perfect sex with Derek before Kate comes home. 

It is going to be over, and Stiles is raw, bare and completely terrified.

“I’m sorry,” is what Derek says when he slips out of Stiles’ room. Maybe he’s apologizing for moving, or maybe for starting everything in the first place. Maybe he’s apologizing for the way Stiles’ fingers are shaking as he pulls his thoughts (and his pants) together in a messy bundle.

It doesn’t matter. He summons up every single ounce of will-power and self determination he has and looks his problem in the eye. 

“Go away,” he says, as it perches mockingly on the edge of his bed.

The problem doesn’t so much _go away_ as it does _hide temporarily to give the illusion of success,_ but Stiles counts it as a win anyway.

No more affairs, no more hiding and pining. He’ll date, meet nice boys his age, and hold their hands in public.  He’ll meet the One, bring him home to meet Scott and Jackson and Isaac. He’ll drive back to Beacon Hills and seek approval from his Dad. It will be _over,_ and Stiles will come out of their Derek-thing unscathed, and a better person. 

All lies, but when one has built their emotional sphere around one huge, splonking lie, it’s the best Stiles can manage. And, like the best of Stiles’ lies, even he believes it for a while.

 

 

Three weeks before Derek leaves, though, things go to shit, because they _would_.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles first set eyes on Derek when he was eighteen, and fresh out of Beacon Hills. He’s riding on the high of graduation, lacrosse wins, very, very good results, and actually getting accepted into the university he’d wanted.
> 
> After that, Stiles is completely screwed (figuratively at first, because everything else seems to melt away when Derek is around, and then afterwards very literally indeed).
> 
> AU, in which Derek Hale is a married man, and Stiles falls very hard, very easy. Everyone is a self-centered, grade-A arse for a bit, and then things go to shit, and this story takes off from there.

There is something ridiculously poignant about last times, Stiles thinks as he threads fingers into Derek's hair and mouths at his neck.  Derek is hot and heavy against his chest, and his nose presses against Stiles’ neck in the most perfect, amazing way.

Derek traces a line down his shoulder with his tongue. Stiles shuts his eyes and wishes he could catalogue it to keep on repeat forever. He keeps his own tongue pressed firmly against the roof of his mouth as he runs his fingers over the grooves of Derek’s spine, memorizing smooth, perfect skin and the one long scar nestled between ribs.   
  
It is possibly the best sex Stiles has ever had, and it makes things even worse when Kate walks in and starts to scream. That bit isn't so poignant. 

 _Kittens_ , Stiles thinks weakly, as the guilt slowly starts to chew at the bits of his blackened, horrible soul. This is so many levels of screwed up, he tells himself sternly, and wonders if this last time must really end so terrible.  

He sits there, naked, and tries to think of what to do when Kate finishes having a breakdown and Derek manages to un-freeze his face from guilty-horror and deal with things like adults.   
  
Which they are.

Stiles is too, he supposes, although he feels more like a kid caught with delicious sexy chocolate all over his mouth. He considers at length the possibilities a time machine would open up.

Kate _shrieks_ , and Stiles is pretty sure he isn't imagining the crazed glint in her eyes. Derek looks like he wants to curl up and die. He steadfastly keeps his eyes locked on Kate’s shoes, and once –just once- looks up at where Stiles is with what Stiles recognizes as complete _regret_.   
  
Stiles stands up shakily, grab his clothes, and walks out.

He doesn't look at Derek, and Derek doesn't stop him. 

  
  
Derek and Kate leave for France the next day, and Stiles didn't think that shit could hurt more than it did the past few years, but it does.

It hurts like _Finality_ , and dull, heavy hopelessness. Stiles feels it thump about deep in his stomach, weighing him down and chaining him firmly to the throb of resignation that echoes against his chest.   
  
He watches Derek carry case after case of belongings to their car, lock their front door, and lead Kate down the path, arms pressed into her shoulders like she's the most precious, delicate treasure in the world.   
  
Stiles watches as their car slowly moves off, watches till it's long gone, and his eyes burn and fall into flame.  
  
(Derek does not look back, and the worst bit is that Stiles knew he wouldn’t but hoped he would anyway.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghjkl oh man affairs are tough  
> next chapter coming soon/


End file.
